Home » Musings » The Bollardry Conspiracy

traffic islandThere is a conspiracy theory down my street that aliens are ritualistically knocking over the traffic island sign things in the middle of the road. In the morning when going jogging I regularly see the local council guy ‘Mrs Bloke’ (not a typo, this is really what he is called, his nickaname, no idea why, and I can’t really see a way of finding out to be honest).

Anyway, oh yeah, the traffic island bollard things (was listening to Elvis, got sidetracked), what are those things called? Islands? Or does ‘islands’ refer to the whole island thing in the middle of the road? Anyway, the downshot down our way is that someone keeps knocking them over. Cars are not the culprit it seems, it is definitely aliens. This is great news. My intelligence on natural resources doesn’t go far I will admit, and I am conscious of the fact that one day we will wake up and uh-oh, all the petrol is gone, now what do we do? Hopefully it won’t happen quite like that, like I said, on my radar of most important things it is not (it should be, wow, now I am getting concerned, someone must be looking into this surely (they are, and don’t call me Shirley)). Hopefully the aliens, clearly far more intelligent than us, can give us the solution on how to get around without oil, and whatever other witchcraftery is involved in making a car go when all our resources have been used up.

Maybe the knocking down bollards is some kind of message from the aliens, a message that once we’ve deciphered it out will give us the solution on how to power cars after we’ve exhausted all the good stuff. Ah wait, something is happening. Is this why on many a sci-fi show they were mining alien planets? Yes. Finally Tv programmes from my childhood are making slightly more sense.

I learnt about this random occurrence when ‘Mrs Bloke’ came along regular as non-plussed clockwork and repaired the bollardry (collective term for all things traffic island & bollard related), he shook his head, saw me, and said ‘look at that’. I looked at it. ‘Aliens’ he confirmed.

Mrs Bloke fixes/replaces the traffic islands/Bollardry at around 10am each morning, and then presumably goes on to lead a life of miscellaneous fulfilment right up until the very early hours of the following morning. Then somewhere during the early hours (this is the grey area) they are struck down, cracked usually, and laid out to rest in the middle of the road where (a) some mini cab driver will dutifully stop the car and lay the island/bollard on to the pavement (sometimes even covering it with a blanket, this may be part of the conspiracy, the aliens may be controlling the humans at this point), then drives on, or (b) some loony driving at 60mph down our residential haven speeds right through the bollard, totally obliterating it to smithereens (what a great under-used word, I am going to make it my life’s work to use this smithereens word more, it’s great – say it out loud, smithereens, it’s brilliant, it’s not even registering on the old spell-check which is awesome it means not only am I spelling it right, but that it is actually a word in common usage, not that you ever hear it, until now, until me coming along with my loony-tunes rant about bollardry and re-introducing the smithereens gem back into the mix), or (c) the loony not only smashes the traffic island to smithereens but also totally bashes into and ker-smashes (not as good as smithereens) the saintly mini-cab driver who was doing his bollardry duty. The (c) option sadly happened over the weekend. The ambulance woke me up and I vaguely remember seeing the aftermath (through the bedroom window) of the accident in my sleep haze, I thought to myself I must let Mrs Bloke know.

The above does explain the demise of one set of Mrs Bloke’s finest soldiers, but that is just one example, the rest are almost definitely alien related.

I was thinking of doing a stake-out (I like to call them Skate-outs, but that phrase just refuses to catch on) one night to catch a glimpse of the aliens, but they’re too clever for that right? They clearly use mind control on us to do their work for them. Maybe I am part of their plan right now, maybe I am not even writing this, maybe you’re not even reading this. Hard to tell. The aliens are supercool. Wait, what?

I asked Mrs Bloke his opinion on why he thought this particular specific location of bollardry was being ‘hit’. He said it was a very common thing, he said that some can remain forever, like the famous traffic islands of Whitehall, who have served dutifully and without event since their installation in the heady bollardry days of the early ‘70s, and yet others are struck down regularly. Bloke casually accused the locals – knocking them down in the vain hope they will be removed – something to do with the light interfering with their sleep (surely getting up at 4am to vandalizing stuff is more the cause of lack of sleep, but hey).

Me and Mrs Bloke moved on from Bollardry (now we’re really getting to know eachother, I may even get to ask about his nickname soon), and moved seamlessly onto James Bond. Bloke is convinced of a new conspiracy theory that the reason for Daniel Craig as Bond was that Brosnan was too good a Bond, so they had to get rid of him because the thought of him being the best screen Bond to date is just too radical, too crazy to live with, the Bond-purists (Bondists?) forced Brosnan’s departure. I like this theory. Brosnan was top notch and I cannot recall anyone complaining, if anything surely it was the stories that got a bit out of hand? I wanted to discuss this further with Bloke but the mystery traffic-island-nemesis only did some minor graffiti on the island during the night (not sure I recall ever hearing about aliens graffitying, still) and therefore Bloke didn’t hover around much that morning. I wanted to ask Bloke his take on the moon-landing conspiracy, maybe I will get my chance tomorrow, if the aliens had visited again that is.

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