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frogEcho echooo hello hello echooooo quack quack quack, ribbit ribbit ribbit big egg mayo sandwiches sandwiches sandwichessss echo (I am sure that –as we all do- every time you walk under a bridge you try out your animal echo noises?).

Ribbiting makes the best echos. The wife is forever taking the Douglas whenever I see frogs. With her a country dweller, and me a mere city boy, it is no wonder that the little greeny browny lovable pond creatures are a source of wonder to me, and just another (yawnsies) amphibian to her.

I was digging in the garden (as you do, I was totally digging that garden man) recently when a frog jumped straight at my head. I screamed like a little pixie as obviously I was not expecting anything to jump square on into my clearly large target of a forehead, let alone a bulbous frog from the depths of whatever I had just unearthed.. Let’s call him Kermit shall we. Kermit wasn’t particularly heading for me, although he probably had very good reason to, seeing as how I just re-arranged the house he’d probably been living in for a few years (it was a paint can buried deep with some water in that was probably his bathroom, as is typical in this world I bet he’d just finished decorated it too and for the first time ever had gotten it right perfect like he’d been planning all these froggy long years). He was off then in search of a new abode (and obviously working out a whole new batch of blueprints for a new bathroom) but just happened to coincide with my face, then leapt off to find his friends & family.

When I came to ponder why I found Kermit and his froggy family so fascinating (try saying that after a few hot toadies), it seemed perfectly rational just why I liked to watch them, and even to consider adding a pond for them to play in! Brought up in London the only place where I would see frogs, and general other life forms to humans, would be in the zoo or wildlife parks. I never actually saw these things in the normal environment – till now! I’ve travelled the world, I’ve seen wild monkeys in the jungle, I’ve had dolphins follow me in boats, bats in my pants (no names), but they just don’t compare to seeing loads of frogs in your back garden doing normal froggy frolicking fings. These frogs really leap! Why isn’t there a superhero that has frog powers I wonder? There must be a market for a Super Frog, cannot believe this hasn’t been done (cue a million people telling me that there was indeed a Super Frog for err one day back in’78 as a four page feature in the back of a Hulk comic or some such).

I recall once in Chicago, in an aquarium I saw a blue frog. It seemed like the strangest thing I had ever seen. A frog – blue? Never. It was tiny as well. What else do I not know about frogs? (everything it seems). A blue frog? What next a pink monkey? <insert lewd joke> It confirms my belief that of course there is so much to learn… I must find out more about frogs… ah, the wife says Blue frogs are in every aquarium ever and that they’re nothing unusual, thanks wifeypedia.

Running recently in the nearby woods I’ve become aware to more of the nature world I had shunned previously. I’ve seen more squirrels than ever before. I never knew that they’re not really that shy! I’ve had squirrels jump over my head above the trees, squirrels fighting amongst themselves over who’s got the best nuts (settle down), squirrels sitting in pathways not moving out the way for you (how rude), squirrels reading the paper (the Daily Acorn), squirrels walking their dogs, I could go on….

Let’s not even talk about the Bull that gives me evils, the fox that nearly ate my keys, or the sheep that farts every time I run by (I know he does it on purpose, but wow, you cannot escape that smell, it clings to you like cling film covered in that spray gluey spray thing, oof, instant wife repellent that I learnt the not-hard way).

Where was I? ah yes, froggies.

Aside from frogs our garden is crawling with many many different insects. I went to a French restaurant last week and was ready to have Escargot but decided not to on account of all the friendly snails that I’ve also recently made homeless (better not to eat their cousins as well). Snails, like frogs, I have decided are friendly, so whenever digging around (the garden’s a mess trust me!) I try to pick them out and eat them… ah I mean relocate them in a nice sauce… err I mean different part of the garden. Bless them super snails (nope, no Super Snail either, prove me wrong geekdom, prove me rong, that’s not a typo, this is a type o, ah shurrrup), they’re not as fun as frogs though. I think I have subconsciously already arrived at the decision that if there is such a thing as reincarnation then I would like to come back as a frog (if the choice was that you had to come back as something other than human, as I have heard this is how the whole reincarnation thing works. As per many films where the hero dies and has to come back as a dog, bird, cat etc, although it’s never quite explained why they can’t come back as a human – probably its cheaper, funnier, froggier, fishier, floella benjaminer).

Right. Right then. I will be the first Super-Frog. No need for a costume, I would leap the longest, ribbut the ribbitust and so on. I would fight crime, wherever a froggy home had been unearthed by a unaware human digging I would leap at them …. Wait, who is this, not, noooo Doctor Frogathon, the evil Froginator mwwhahahahha, yes it is I Doctor Frogothon your evil nemesis Super Frog, prepare to meet your doom you motherrrrrahahahahahahahhahaha.

(Not) to be continued.

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