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Christmas soldierI like my wine, I like my chat, I like my networking, I like my Christmas party parties partying, I like pretty much most of the Christmas wonderment and fun that comes with the whole oh it’s the end of the year let’s go crazy together in the Prince-sense of the phrase drink and talk and talk and drink until we really do discuss the lyrics and find out that Princey has been banging on about a Purple Banana mixed with a Lemon Crush, let’s go, gooooooo crazy, let’s go, let’s go. Good old Princey, he’s never afraid to go that step too far, I still stand by my words that he did indeed release one of the best Crimbo songs ever, yes he did but wait, wohhh wohhhh, stop, STOPPPP, don’t look away (you looked away, don’t do it again), hang on, wooohhh there horsey nelly the elephant of a horse you, you little tinkery winkery Christmas decoration you, do not whizz on over to Uncle YouChoob and check out Prince’s Christmas offering, ye won’t find it (not that I’ve actually checked & done it myself – in which case if it IS there then err, well, well listen to it actually, chances are you don’t know what the purple banana I am talking about (watchooo talkin’ about your royal Skateness?)). Look. Let’s start again.

It is mid December yet I’ve heard Mariah’s crimbo song more times than I have eaten a Mr Kipling Apple pie in my whole lifetime, I’ve heard John Lennon & Paul McCartney & Elton John battle it out on who has the best crimbo song (Elts obvs, it was jusssst inside his music-magic-dynamite-era, otherwise known as MMDE), and I have sung along with a drunken-type accent to the Fairytale of New York more times than I’ve had a bath (in my lifetime, although recently I am strictly a shower man, baths get weird as you get older, who’s got the time for a bath? and is it me – sorry but am not sure I have anyone to ask these kind of questions to – is it me or does the water go from like hot to cold in like one minute? How the bollards are you meant to have a hot warm bath when the water decides to go Alaskan in a matter of nano-seconds, what the hell are you meant to do in a bath anyway? Basically, when are they going to invent the water proof kindle? And if/when they do why do I want to be in the bath reading it? Are you saying that I am sooooo super busy in my super busy purple bananary world that I can’t just have a bath, I’ve got to be reading in it too? Am confused, (1) I don’t want a bath, (2) I certainly don’t want to be reading whilst I am in it (I’d come out of it shrivelled to the size of a shrivelled shrimp that’s already been shrivelled-lised so much it has that permanent ‘I’ve just been shrivellised twice already this morning madam type look’.

So look, we’ve heard allllll the crimbo choons already – but have we? HAVE WE? No sir. No Sir Bobby Geldoffy no no no sir. We knowwww it’s Christmas sure, but do we really need to hear Noddy Holder screaming at us to tell us so? It would be nice (and currently technologically impossible) for Noddy to scream ‘Ittttttt’s Christmassssss but instead of listening to the samo samo samosas, did you know that Prince once did a Christmas choon and it was oh so amazing, it was the blues, it was him at the height of his Princeness, his Royal Badness doing it like Elton did in the 70s, yes, but can we hear it? CAN WEEE? No sir, for we must only now listen to Noddy, Chris Rea driving all over the place in not only the middle of the road but in every lane lined with tinsel, robins, and tinsel shrivelled shrimp Robins singing him through his drive up the M6 or wherever the Rea’s live these days (don’t google – hey that could be a new Christmas game, ask a question that you’re not allowed to google, and the first one to get it right gets to crank-call Chris Rea).

So really loookkkk, Christmas, it’s here, and next week I have to get all dinner-suited up for a bigggg corporate event. Sure Prince won’t be playing, sure I’ll pretend along with all the other robots that I lovvvvveeee Bing & Bowie’s Ba rupp pa pom pommm (actually I err actually do love that now, at first it was an abhorrence in every sense of the abhor-ness, at second it was like wooohhhh this shouldn’t really be allowed should it? Shoorritt? At third I was loving the absolute disconnect that was the sexshifting bad boy Prince-esque Bowie his Royal Bowieness from the planet Bars with spiders hanging off his arse, combined with Bing (his Royal Bingy Bongy Crossbow from Crossshire, near the where Chris Rea lives actually), THAT’s a Christmas song, celebrating the world collidement of people that just should not be, much like actual Christmas (I am the Bowie in this situation, the purple lamb of the family)). Oh my Bing Bongy Bongs on toast, wouldn’t it be just Christmas-tastic if Bowie & Princie did a Christmas duet, the reallllly should, why it would be a Christmas miracle sir.

At said corporate event there will be 100 courses, each more richer more cress-laden than the course before, the wine has gold in it, and the gold has Chris Rea encased in it like Han Solo was at the end of the Empire Strikes Back. Poor Chris Rea, legend has it that he was driving home for Christmas when it happened, he drove smack bang into a pile of liquid gold and they immediately distilled it into wine, I’ll drink liberally obviously, well, ahem, that’s what I say every year, and every year’s the same, they find me singing to myself (channelling Rea no doubt) in a London station waiting to see the Pet Shop Boys pass by with a shaky camera effect (as promised in the West End Girls video many Christmas moons ago).

So yes, so this is Christmas, and what have we learnt? Well a great deal actually, Prince wins best Crimbo song, Bowie needs to duet (but a more Bowesque duet than the Jagger double-up that looking back now is just, well, wooohh, that’s crazy no?).

Have a merry Crimbo all, it’s already full of ba ruppp pa pom pommms.

5 thoughts on “Crimbo Choons

  1. Henrietta Lala says:

    I followed the string of tinsel you tossed out to me, right along your stream of consciousness all the way through, thank you very much, and decided you had already swilled a lot of egg nog and/or wine punch on our shared journey. Totally forgivable since you do seem like the sort who is always willing to share. Old buddy, old pal of mine. Thanks for the headsup and critique of the best of Crimbo. I’m just grateful I don’t ever again have to agonize over which crappy, cheap, will I ever finish paying for this chosen to impress outfit for the office party in this nativity, ever, never again, no matter how many pinenuts they toss on the salad vinegrette or Christmas turkeys gifting. Purple is my new favorite color, and the color of the entire year if fashion reports can be believed. You’re a real prince, rappy horrordays,
    Granny Lala

    1. Martin Skate Martin Skate says:

      Finally Purple is back (and we onllyyyyy had to wait 15 years (since Lovesexy)), YES. We have been sampling the egg nog indeed and are only one kit kat chunky away from the best scooby snack ever, thanks Granny L, scooby roooby rooooooo

  2. Thank you for agreeing to connect with me on FB. One way to slow the cooling process of hot water while you take a bath is to add salt beforehand. Minearal that gets absorbed through your skin will retain the heat long after you have gotten out of the bath tub. I am sure you eat some detox food, but bathing helps your body release those bad toxin quicker through your skin. Ohterwise the toxin would have to go through your kidney to be out of your body. I hope it helps.
    Very Merry Christmas

    1. Martin Skate Martin Skate says:

      Awesome, will try it! Thanks Mirror Miroir, Merry Crimbo

  3. Roanna Grayson says:

    Completely agree with your views on taking baths. The ONLY time I want a bath is if I’m really sick OR it’s a Jacuzzi tub! Thanks for the link to read it. Ho Ho Ho!!!

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