Home » Musings » I see Monkeys all the time

monkeyI write this post whilst listening to Pirates of the Carribean video game on the wii (it’s on in the background), everything is drama, sword-clinking, ships, ahhh-hhaass, arhghhhhs, and more ha-hasssss, there is also a piece of music that reminds me of Doug Stanhope (who’s Doug Stanhope), well, that’t hardly relevant is it, is it? I just don’t know any more, who’s asking (I am) who is that then (Me?) yes you (Me in the brackets, you’re taking to me right), YEsssss I bloody am talking to you you bracketty racketty bracket handstanding freako bound in side-on umbrellas (ok, got it, what was the question?) I can’t remember me vagabond ragabond hearty of land-lubbering lubbery lummox (what’s a lummox then?) actually I don’t know, I like the word though Lummox-face, you look it up for us ok (but I am just a voice in brackets, look it up where? I can look up I think….. [looking up] hang on woooahhh there, who’s this new guy in the squarey brackets thing [who me?] oh shuttttttuppppp you total bracketty lummoxing can’t look things up but can look up bunch of bollardy lummoxy shutttupness.

Wow. Am glad that’s over…. Captain Jack Sparra however is marrying some princess whilst the Doug Stanhope music comes back on. Ahhhhhaaaaaaaa miladdyyy. Jeepers I have a headache.

So anyway, you find me here today young readers in the middle of a major crast (that’s the middle bit of procrastination, I looked up, and looked it up, it turns out I can look things up, it’s pretty dark in here but I do have an smart phone, I don’t know how, I don’t know much, buttttt I know I love youuuuuuuuu, I also have  a pen, a sticker book with no stickers, a burger stand [but no onions, I asked for them, it just didn’t come with any, mustard though, so, yunnoo, that’s fine, yolo] (yolo?) [shut your face roundy]. I am meant to be writing my novel but instead have been facebooking, tweeting, fightinnn pirates, actually there’s a bit in the game where you pick up a guitar and wherever you go you’re playing two chords (why?) {dunno} [errr, who’s this wavy bracket guy now] (shutttuuppppppp in there, I just put my torch on, now I can see, I see monkeys).

Crasting is a helluva thing. I wrote a review on amazon, took the dog for a walk, I did my ironing, made sweet sweet love (o)[k]{then}, made a massive lunch for everyone, read the paper, went for a run, played some scrabble (such a waste of time that one, I know I am good, why do I need to tell anyone else?), learnt a language, did some dusting… whatever happened to the Mr Pledge adverts? Don’t people dust any more? I remember one time a day Mr Pledge ads were all that were on during Corrie, but now, now it’s all lego this, sky that, and have you driven the new Nissan Apple Pie with Custard {no I ain’tttt}. Has dust been eradicated maybe? Like the dog-poo that turned white that only seemed to be around in the early 80s, I just looked around the room and the only dusty thing I could see was the table the telly sits on…. Just dusted again, with baby wipes (didn’t have any Mr Pledge) [why was it called Mr Pledge?] why don’t you look it up {I just looked up, this told me nothing, why did you want me to look up} (shut up, don’t look up, shut up){don’t tell me what to do concave bracket man, if I want to look up at nothing I jolly well will ok, even if I am looking up at absolutely jack-all just because someone told me to look up, wait, who are you anyway? and what’s with all the piratey-moody-type music in the background and why is there a dog sitting next to me that refuses to move no matter how much I try and nudge it), so many questions.

The real question is why is it that I am excited to write, writing was all I thought about whilst trying to get to sleep last night, and I couldn’t sleep last night because of all the great ideas I was having, and now when I have the golden opportunity to write (all the chores are done, everyone’s happy, I’ve done it all, on top of everything, I’ve got the coffee brewing, the ideas perculating (I noted them down when I (didn’t) woke up up up this morning morning morning echo echo echo bravo nine POB over…) yet for some reason I just can’t actually get started on writing…. am halfway through my novel, sooooooo whattya gonna do? This morning in the shower I finally overcame a big connecting piece in the story, there will be a dog that turns into a guy, monkeys that appear from nowhere, there’s always monkeys, I see monkeys all the time, in everything I do, look, there’s a monkey right there? [where?] there on the stairsssssss. I’ve really lost it this time, although seriously there was a monkey.

<pause here, am going out to see the Lego movie> thanks triangle brackets, really helpful, enjoy the film [can I come too?] {but you’re just some weirdo brackets, what ticket would they get you, you’re not even an age category, I should know, I tried, and I’ve got no eyes} (no eyes? how do you smell?) {awful}.

Lego Movie done, seen, perfect actually for what is officially the laziest Sunday in existence, it is so lazy that even the coffee can’t be bothered. It made itself, and then just laid around yawning, desperately seeking attention (not Susan), shuttttup coffee, no-one’s interested in anything you have to do or say innit. Not sure I was the target audience for the film but I did find two particular things damn funny. So in no particular order (why do people say that?, they’re the same kind of people that start sentences with basically (as opposed to complexly?, truthfully speaking (as oppose to untruthfully thinking), look here f**k0 (as opposed to ummm) [I hate people that say things like I hate people that start sentences with, they’re total total total totally a word yet invented, let’s call them Nobulas, jeez what a nobula). Right {oh you’re one of those people that start sentences with ‘Right’ are you?}. Firstly (…..) […..] {just sayyyyyyyy you’re stupid two things about the Lego movie or just shove off me hearty alright Jack? good, perfect, peachy} [peachy?] {yes?} [is Grease your favourite film Granddad?] {what’s yours Lego movie?}.

(1) There was a bit in Lego the movie where Shakespeare was heckling the main character and called out in an overly done British accent ‘Rubbishhhh’ wow that made me laugh, am feeling it was a bit of an obscure joke that not many kids would get, thank you, thank you lego people for making me laugh a bit, whilst mainly staring at the screen catatonically (wishing it was more of a gin and toniccy affair), then along comes Shakey, and I am laughing along with the kids, except they don’t know why, well they do, they were laughing at Green Lantern being cruelly dissed by Superman (as if that would happen in real err life, no way would Supes diss Lantern).

(2) Batman puts on a song he made for his girlfriend and you hear him sing a word aloud ‘Darknessssss’, ahhha, fabulous, Bats totally would create a song like that. Lovely observations from the world of interlockment.

Now, I will spellcheck this (hhahhahahahhh, don’t be crazy), I will pretend to myself that I will spellcheck this (wow, I do not know where these darknesssss thoughts come from, basically, I am a massive Batman fan, darknesssss, must see if I can download that song), then I will post on facebook, angst-isize myself over why people are not liking it, are they seeing it? are they not? do they have lives (unlike me) that stop them from wasting days away online, then tweet it, watch it being retweeted, if it’s retweeted does that mean people read it, then maybe, maybbbbeeeeee open some wine, and think about actually using the last wee hours of the weekend to write. Write, YES I must (you must){you must}[you must] wowsers finally we all agree on something.

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