Home » Musings » A fridge called Alfred

fridgeAt first there was nothing.

nowhere, wow, ok, but from somewhere, maybe it came from behind the fridge (it’s just so damn hard to get behind there, and when you do there’s so much going on, wires, noises, is it too hot to touch, too cold? I mean what the celery is going on back there, is that why they put it at the back so you can’t see all the science? I mean at the front surrrreee it’s all clean, clear, and pretty, but on the back? Why it is like blimmin Quasimodo back there, it’s like Quasimodo & a rabid dog had an offspring that exploded and that’s the back of the fridge, that’s whats’ going on there? it’s like Jackson Pollock took the workings of an old computer, span it on one of those spinning arty wheely things, urinated in it (for texture obvs) and pasted it onto the back of your fridge, yeah your fridge to be precise, go and have a look if you don’t believe, go on, do it now, nowwwwwww). I wouldn’t be surprised to find that in a few years time whilst we’re all wearing Google glasses, Bing vases, or yahoo jimmy choo’s that we slowly discover that the backs of fridges contain all the answers to the questions that have been plaguing mankind since the beginning of time (i.e what time is it, what does i.e really mean, why do all my socks have holes in them and why even though I bought a whole load of smart, new, supersexy colour ones, they just plain disappear, where oh where do they go go go, it’s like that song where do all the socks go go go, what time is the right time to go running? is that pain meant to be there or is it just old age? Will I look younger wearing this or will I look like I am trying too hard? Is there anything better than lego? At what age is it frowned upon to play lego? Are they any songs with lego in the lyrics? I think I have just invented a song called ‘Wake me up before you play lego’ or is it a cover version? Will George Michael mind if I covered ‘Wake me up’ but did a lego version? Obviously the cover of the song would be George made out of lego? Does George like lego? I mean, there are just so many questions, come on Fridges, sort it out, we’re waiting for you to solve all the world’s mysteries, and you’re just fridging it there, humming nonchalantly, stop humming your fridgey little git you, tell us the answers, tell us the answerssssssssss).

People have names for the cars, for the bits, for their bikes, but they don’t give their fridge a name do they? Oh no, that’s blimmin’ fridgest that. My fridge is called Alfred. Alfred once played for Charlton Athletic football team, he had a stellar career, really fantastic, he moved into management later in life, ran a small business selling Donkey Kong video games in the 80s and then was reincarnated into my fridge. On a summer’s day we reminisce about summers gone where he was a striking striker, a middlish midfielder, and an absolute deferentially dedicated defender of a deference n’er before seen in old London town, well, I say old, it was the 80s, Filofaxes was the internet, and 3D came back with Jaws 3D which I can say with the utmost authority was absolute hogwash, the hoggiest of the washes in fact, what was particularly confusing about Jaws 3D was that it took you about an hour into the nonsensefest to realise or say ‘err waitttt a minute, this isn’t actually 3D, or if it is 3D then you don’t know what 3D is mate, and yes you are my mate, mate, alright mate, alwight alwight (remember, it was the 80s, when alwight was still funny).

Anyway, wayany, any which way mate awright. There it was. Was it there (behind the fridge?) yes, there it was (there on the stairrrrr), it came from like, well, it just appeared, no one really knows how it got there (where?). The extra tin of dog food. One day it wasn’t there, the next day it was there. Who put it there… suspiciously near the fridge? Alfred was saying nothing, he wasn’t even humming, he just sat there, pulsating, maybe he did that tick tick tick tick noise, you know the one, tick tick tick tick, that’s it. I asked everyone in the house, no-one fessed up, I even put the dog & cat through the minefield of clever questions that can out fox a fox (not any fox, noooo, that would be craxy, am talking about Dr Fox, the fox of foxes, some say THE fox), but they weren’t giving anything away, for a minute it looked like the cat had something to say, but, I think it was just a fur ball, or a sonnet or somesuch.

One minute there was no dog food, and then dog food. In the middle of the kitchen. Right there. It has been two days now, and no one has mentioned it, gone near it, walked around it, eat a jaffa cake near it, or really done any further investigating. Could it be aliens? Something is awry, amiss, abyss, awizzzz, something just doesn’t sit right, it sits wrong, or left, whichever way you look at it (and I look at it like this) something is not in the realms of being which the dictionary defines, normalificado (there must be a dictionary somewhere that has this word in it, one of those parallel universes, although am not sure why they have to be parallel, surely (don’t call me Shirley) if they had all the permeations of all permutations there would be rhombus worlds, parallelogram worlds, spanglywangly worlds, but no, someone somewhere some pen pusher in some ivory tower somewhere in a thinktank in a bubble in an underground bunker has said nope, sorry, it’s got to parallel worlds or I am off home Jack mate. Typical that.

The ominous erroneous couscous of a dog food tin is still there. Mocking me. It just soooo wants me to go over there and give it attention, I won’t you know, I won’t acknowledge it, or recognise it, not until Alfred or someone breaks cover and announces that they’re the inventors of the universe/ any other revelation would do to be honest, we’re waiting for it mate, I can play the long game too, we’ll see who breaks first (am looking at you Kit Kat chunky, I know you’re in on this).



Space (not literally, or literally, it’s your choice, am not like here to tell you what to do or nuthin, that’s not me at all.
Watch this space (or not) we’ll see (or maybe we won’t) we’re in this together (or not, maybe it’s just me, or maybe it is the whole entire fridge community, either way, we’ll just never know (or maybe we will).


Next week ‘How to train a frog to make staples such as scrambled eggs, staples, and scrambled egg surprise’.

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