Home » Musings » The Adventures of Lady Guinn (Eternity Filler, Episode 3 of 6)

oliveB4 sucked thoughtfully on his PIPE (Probably Invisible Pipe Electronica), unexpectedly it made a harmonica-type sound.

Lady Guinn sighed one of the sighs emitted for B4 to hear. She sighed again just in case he didn’t get peeved off enough.

“No need for sighing,” reported B4, I can sense your dismay and disapproval before it is registered on your lips Lady Guinnevere the second.”

There was of course no need for B4 to call Lady Guinn by her full title but B4 knew it totally peeved her off more than his electronic pipe peeved her off.

Thus, they both sat in peeved offness, waiting for eternity to either come to an abrupt end, or for something else to happen.

“Talk to me B4, take my mind of the eternal void that you and I have been entombed in, take my away from this nothingness, that’s your job isn’t it?”

“Mistress, yes, one of my duties is to be dutiful to you Lady Guinnevere the second.”

“Stop calling me that.” Said Lady Guinn adding a tut, and a sigh, and then (she just couldn’t keep it in and in fact this was quite involuntary) let out a ‘hrrnnnnngghhhh’.

“What day is it B4?”

“Friday, mistress.”

Another tut, a huff, and then after about ten seconds, yep, a sigh.

“And how long do you estimate in your little tin head that we will be stuck here in this void?”

B4 calculated. Their predicament was unprecedented. Usually their adventures involved meglomaniacs hell bent on controlling the weather, laughing like they needed immediate treatment, or wearing a skin-tight lycra suit with a very cool logo on it, they were a challenge when you needed to go to the bathroom but apart from that they really got you noticed, you could command great respect and authority with a sharp outfit with a logo on. This time things were slightly different, Armagodatron decided to imprison B4 & Lady Guinn in the mentaldom conundrum that is ‘the void’ a cunning vacuum of nothing, just white, endless white with nothing else, you could walk for miles in total whiteness, only to find many more miles of just whiteness, there is nothing, less than nothing, there is truly very little, just B4, Lady Guinn, an ice-cream stand with no ice-creams, and absolutely nothing else.

“Insufficient data to calculate our duration mistress. The only comparable data suggests somewhere between now and 57 days, based on the last two previous occurences of being imprisoned.” B4 reported, this was typical of being an interplanetory adventurer, you were always getting kidnapped, imprisoned, forced to listen to Mozart whilst eating multiple crackers without any lubrication whatsoever, typical.

Lady Guinn produced a bottle of wine that she had cunningly secreted upon her famously deep pocketed dress. It was a Beaujolly, a gift from Captain B. Luddy during the last adventure with the dastrardly armpitted rabbits, the rabbits would have succeeded in galaxy domination had it not been for the Captain, he was the first to twig that their power originated from under their arms, he was clever like that, he was the first to work out not to use speedboats when being chased, the first to eat coconuts the proper way, and the first to make love under pianos the way the phrase was originally intended.

“In that case can you print me out a glass for the wine, and maybe some olives too, but not like the ones you did before, what were they?”

“Wade rose olives mistress.”


“Indeed Mistress, not even the Rabbits ate those.”

“Something better happen soon or I don’t know what will happen B4.” Said Lady Guinn.

“Before Mistress?”

“Yes B4?”

“Before what mistress?”

“Before shut up.”

Thus they both sat in silence. Lady Guinn drinking directly from the bottle as she refused to ask B4 for a second time to print out a glass to drink with, and B4 sitting smugly knowing that Lady Guinn was desperate to ask him to produce a glass which he would not offer unless she asked, instead he began a game of Scrabble with a simulation version of the inventor of the game, they both used only the first half of the chosen language, thus B4’s exterior circuit panel flashed randomly for several minutes at a time (as this was his area of expertise) causing Lady Guinn to tut, sigh, and hurrgnnnnghhhh intermittently.

This Scrabble session took only four weeks to complete, during which time Lady Guinn had decided to sleep, B4 only became aware of Lady Guinn’s noiseless snoozing when a thin liquid dripped out of the corner of her mouth square onto B4’s man sensor pads, immediately the fluid sent a warning signal message conveying that if the dribble persisted at the same rate for another 78,000 years it would render B4’s speech ability inoperable for the best part of an hour, good to know thought B4.

B4 extended his extendable glass nobula to lightly awake Lady Guinn, he could have sent a pulsing vibration that directly interacted with her central nervous system, the upside to using that is that the recipient wakes up alert and refreshed, the downside is usually that they have to vacate their bowels quite suddenly, and being that they were in a void of nothingness, well, B4 rationed that it would spoil the minimalist view.

“Hnnmmm, what day is it B4?” Asked Lady Guinn whilst slowly opening her eyes.

“Friday, Mistress.” Reported B4, actually B4 had no idea what day it was, it didn’t seem to matter or feel pertinent enough to let Lady Guinn know this piece of information, it was 1 billion times unlikely to make any difference to thier predicament.

Lady Guinn sighed and then quite surprisingly (for them both) kicked B4 in the side unit.

B4 sighed, this was going to be a long episode.

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