Home » Musings » Tricky Friday

batteryI just licked a battery, why? I haven’t done this since I was a kid (my favourite was that one you don’t see anymore, you know the one, the one with the two different nodule type bits that plugged into another double-noduled cap-like flap that was encased in a leather-type strap deal (look here, I ain’ts making this up)), anyway there I was this morning washing the beard (not a metaphor) when I saw this curious battery in the bathroom cabinet (what is it about bathroom cabinet’s that feel so, soooo 1970s?) clearly we still need them, we still need to put our bonjelas, cotton buds, and various pills creams and crap we’ve longggg forgotten what the bleeding ‘ell they do, there’s one in the cabinet, a tube called anusolla, oh the hilarity), anyway there’s this old battery, where did it come from? Where? There’s no-one to ask at this time in the morning, what there is time for though is licking it, there’s no rationale, no logical reason, no sign saying lick the metal object, no dreams like I had last week about carrying around Prince’s duvet for him (it was trying to tell me something, but what Prince? What were you trying to tell meeeeee) no just; battery – tongue – yuck, ooffff it tasted as you would imagine as metallic as a rusty spoon left out in the rain that you found at the back of the shed in the garden that I may have found and licked that too, why am I doing this? Wait, I didn’t lick the shed-spoon no, that would sound like I had some kind of licking-metal-object-obsession or whatnot what? not. This was clearly a recipe and precursor for this strange day ahead, walking to the train my feet got trapped in a loopy loop tape loopy cord thing that posties use, my feet walked in it and I nearly went flying if it hadn’t been for deft footwork I learnt from watching many a John Travolta movie, I went flying but somehow the Friday gods blessed me to stylise it out quite cooly, cooly except for the whole street that saw me and laughed yep laughed. “Don’t be doing that,” the nearest chuckler said, “err hahhhaa yes” was all I had as a response as we both shuffled off togther wondering who will take the awkwardness away by speeding up vs walking together,well it ain’t me speeding up Mr don’t be doing that mate, I nearly went bloody flying and I would have been bloodied fo sho mofo bobo, oof imagine what could have been BUT THE MADNESS AIN’T EVEN OVER…

I think you’ve already twigged that this post comes with a bonus pic of my dog hugging the new kitten, who’s already won us all over with his seemingly neverending supply of tricks (his best is defo the surprise jump to the left for no reason jump, ahhh you gotta see it to believe it) he’s perfected it so well the little scamperoonie doopie shmooopie whoopie do dah dayyyyy.

Anyway, I got on the train just now with the aim of clawing back some poise and dignity (no doubt, no diggity mmm hmmmm) when before I sat down this woman opens her fizzed up drink which explodes on her fellow passenger opposite who screamed. My first sleep-dazed reaction was to run, I think I actually turned around or froze in confusion, then I remembered we live in a society and dove into my bag for tissues (which were for some inexplicable reason were refused), thus more uncomfortableness, I think even now she’s eyeing me up thinking ‘how dare he offer me his tissues.’ It doesn’t end there either, when I got on the train (it’s one of those back & forth trains if yunno what I mean) when it arrives it’s the end of line for all and obvs they all get off, but this one guy I saw further down the carriage didn’t get off, he was fast asleep… and he still is, no-one woke him.

So look (1) this is a tricky Friday take it from me (& I’ve been around baby, I’ve been thrown out of holy places, been imprisoned, listened to the entire beach boys 10 cd box set in one sitting), I know my onions from my cabbage that’s made to look like onions, grrrrr, (2) this post was meant to be about my first day working in my teens at the Texaco petrol station when I met John Virgo and got his autograph after a very awkward argument about him filling up with the wrong fuel, so apologies for everyone that tuned in for that nugget, maybe next week, and (3) to counteract this unbelievably unnerving morning I post of course dog and cat in perfect harmony, hugging, proper proper hugging, I think we can all learn a lot from this pic, I know I have. (4) don’t lick batteries, I don’t know if we’re hardwired to do it, if I didn’t do it enough as a kid, why the battery was even there (had it time-travelled from the 70s into my cabinet? Maybe I will find out tonight, maybe I won’t maybe it will transport itself into your cabinet? Either way, have a great Friday, show everyone your Friday best because you are so beautiful to meeeeeeeeeeeeeee cantcha seeeeeeeeeeeeeee totally blimmin love you, happy Friday, peace in.

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