Home » Musings » Purple jean shorts

planet fridayWe made it Friday people, you just snuck in too, the last one before they closed the line, well done, it’s a good feeling, like you just boarded a ship and you’re excited, you have a look around, look at all the exciting things, there’s a fun brasserie serving patatas bravas as much as you can force down you, fifty kinds of tea, and the gift shop whooooooooaaaaaa mama the gift shop, this is it, the shangri-la, the gift shop at the end of the universe, you are gonna spend money here, I mean this isn’t any ol’ fuddy duddy capture the suckers at the end of the show gift shop, no cheap shot crap rot kinda gift shop, no sir bubbly of bubbleshire, THIS IS THE FACKING GIFT SHOP that allllll gift shops are made from, this is a gift shop factory, in fact they even SELL gift shops here. Welcome. You have arrived. At the door they don’t just greet you neiver (ok, neither, no NOT OK, neiver, I tell it like it is) they take off your coat, give you an ice-cream, and if you are so inclined take you to the naughty room (you knowww) IF you are inclined, or if you fully clined they may not you stiff boarded basket case, oh dear, I’ve gone wrong, do I need to go back to beddybyes? I mean to be bonest (blunt ‘n honest if I have to explain myself jeepers) then… wait… if I have to be bonnets or any other kind of hatstand with you then the thing is that I have a crick in my neck, and basically bonestly it’s putting a crick in my whole day AND IT’S ONLY MORNING O’CLOCK (what? i said clock, clockhead).

Maybe I also haven’t had a cocktail (in a cocktail bar) in toooooooo long, maybe, so let’s go back to the gift shop (letttts go back again ba ba baaa the hands of tiiiii immeeee), the utopia of gift, the saviour of shops worldwide, they’re closing it, the shop, but you YOUUUUUU you’re the last one in what do you do? What do you go for, do you go straight to the funny pens that light up when you write? To the monkey hand puppets? To the Doctor Who dolls, I mean where the Capaldi do you start for Tennant’s sake. I’ll tell you where, you take that special chance of destiny fate chance community chest card that you’ve been dealt and you go to town, you paint that shop with your special colour all night long, you’ve won that beauty contest, it’s your birthday you’ve just landed on Mayfair and bought it and everyone has splat-landed on it. You’re the only one too, just you, you made it in there, whatever happens now you’ve cracked it, won it, you’re dancing on clouds, you’re being massaged by 1000 massage chairs, pummelled by Pamela, Pandered by a panda, and pursued by a err gnu.

It’s great being the only one, the special one, the big reward, the payoff mamoo, we all need a little treat now and again, it’s pretty much how I felt when I went to get Prince’s autograph, what’s that? tell you the story? what the whole story? are you sure? how the love squiggle am I going to do that story justice in just a few soundbites buddy? okkkkkkk okk ok.

The sky was all purple there were people running everywhere, it was the HMV record store, chaos, when I eventually found where I had to go they told me I had to buy the Thunder picture disc if I wanted to join the queue (but I already had the picture disc… which was pathetic really seeing as how there wasn’t any differences to the album tracks on the disc… right right, short version of the story, okkkkkkkk. Bought Thunder for the third time (yes third, on the album on the picture disc with no friggin alternate mixes – the dicks -, then again just so I could join the fricking line with fricking lasers on their fricking heads. When I got to the line the man said sorry, no more can join the queue, but you can join the queue to join the queue if we think about adding more to the original queue, again, the dicks. I queued in the queue that was the reserve queue, with my picture disc with no new versions of the tracks and some other saddos in the same sorry fate as me… until our saviour appears Kissy. Yes, Kissy, she claimed to be the girlfriend of one of the band, errrr hello? why you queuing up to see your boyfriend Kissy, ohhhh righttt, I get itttttt, she made so much noise about her being the ‘girlfriend’ that they let us join the queue, the daddy-queue, not the fake queue which was building in popularity with more peeps duped into buying a picture disc (did I mention no new versions on extra tracks?) for a second time. So, we’re in the main queue now, near the end of the wait, and three kerrrrrraazzyyyyy things happened 1. Prince bailed, he was solely for the hardcore queue (hey buddy I’ve bunked off work for this, am risking my jobbbb here just to get your squiggle on my vinyl man, that has no mixes, new tracks, nuffink), but the rest of the band were still there signing their names for which they hoped weren’t the last times, 2. the loudmouth Kissy WAS one of the band’s girlfriends (or they knew her anyway and everyone was making a fuss about Kissy), and 3. because of Kissy we got ushered into the back room as we were the end of the signing queue, and of course in the back room was Mr Prince himself. True, weird, and bonestly messed up story, if I had known this was the way to meet megastars I would have hung around the backs-of-queues more often.

Epilogue (& also some kind of moral): Blinded by purple superstarness I asked him to sign my purple jean shorts (which trust me at the time was officially the coolest thing I or anyone I knew owned…. these were simpler times peeps), he did. What an absolute mistake, the picture disc (with all the signatures of the band WITHOUT Prince, I have), the shorts worn at various gigs have long since gone the way of all 26 inch waist shorts, assigned to the big clothes bin in the purple sky. If there is a moral (Jerry Springeresque fans) it is this… when you’re the only one dancing in the gift shop of life, don’t get Prince to sign your shorts, buy something that’s gonna last, a little red corvette, a raspberry beret, or a picture disc you’ve already bought twice (but that has no musically different merit to all the tracks you’ve already got on the album).

I just looked up the picture disc on ebay, it’s the same price now as when I bought it twenty years ago, there’s a moral there too, just can’t picture (disc) what it is. Note to self- don’t buy any more picture discs, oh wait, there’s no such thing any more, that’s for the best, maybe I should invest in purple jean shorts again?

Good, I feel like I got through my earlier sleepycobwebbery, phew, am back on the boat, the loveboat, the boat that serves cocktails on a bed of flamingos, the boat that makes comforting soothing sounds when you need them, the boat that will sail as and gently deliver us to the cherished destination that is the weekend. Have a great one sexy mofo’s you’ve been particularly awesome today and we’ve only just begun, seriously bonestly, if you have read this all the way to the end, wow, you’re a top notch top dog, U R AWESOME may u love the comments section for there is always purpley love tharrrrrrr FROIIDDDAYYYYYY ROIGGGHTTTT AHEAD SKIPPERSSSSSSSSS. Peace in.

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